Letter Twelve, August 1995
Wes' Sister Writes the Family
August 3, 1995
Susan
Dallas, Oregon 77035Dear Family,
From what was originally a different viewpoint of how things should be handled regarding the Uncle's party, there are now accusations from Aunt Priscilla of betrayal, manipulation and lying. Several of you have been under attack for supposedly changing your mind. People are concerned about feeling disloyal if they attend our party. I think it is a terrible shame that something that was originally intended to celebrate the wonderful positive uniqueness of our bloodline has now disintegrated into unfounded accusations. I feel compelled to now defend our reasons for wanting to host the party, and our reasons for inviting Tom.
For those of you upset with me for not clearing it with you that it was okay that Tom come to the party, I'm sorry I didn't know that this family was in the habit of discrimination. I wrongly believed that while we might not accept the act, we accepted the person. After all, I never heard of anyone clearing it ahead of time for live-ins to attend and everyone made it perfectly clear that they didn't approve of that. To me there is no difference. I'm naive obviously but manipulative and plotting, no. After all I've had a long history of having my friends and loved ones automatically accepted into the family with loving and open arms - what would have ever indicated otherwise to me? In addition to that, we were the ones hosting the party & I don't recall anyone ever clearing past guest lists with me when others were the host. Aunt Priscilla's last letter said that Tom is not welcome at family functions. Who nominated her the family spokesperson? I don't recall getting the opportunity to vote and last I knew I was part of the family.
When Aunt Priscilla first called me with her concerns about Tom attending the party she mainly focused on the concern of appearing accepting of homosexuality in front of her grandchildren. She did express a concern about AIDS. Since exposure to Tom wouldn't effect things any differently than exposure to Wesley, it doesn't seem to pertain in the "Tom" debate.
When she called, I told her that I wouldn't be offended if she decided to not attend but that my own Christian values dictated that Tom be welcome. We are repeatedly commanded to not judge others and to love one another. It is so vital to Christian values that we are even commanded to love our enemies. Jesus continually demonstrated tolerance. He walked on the earth to give us an example of how to act. The times in the Bible that judgment is called for are for specific instances, which are not relevant to the party.
I believe that demonstrating Christian love to children is important. I also know from first hand experience that it is the unknown and forbidden that is most enticing. It seems to me that for a child's first contact with homosexual couples to be without parents there to explain would put the child in a more vulnerable state. They will see a homosexual couple sometime, I would think the parents would want to be there. That's why I don't relate to the fears of Tom and Wesley having a bad affect on the children. However, I also believe that raising children is the most important job that anyone can have. That's why it is always up to the parents to decide what they believe is best for their own children (with plenty of input from others of course) and no one also should resent their decision. It is their job to do what they believe is best regardless of what anyone else thinks.
I think it is odd that Aunt Priscilla quite often talks about being automatically labeled homophobic when I can't recall hearing anyone call her that. That sounds like a defensive statement. Then to say that there is nothing to fear but have her letter filled with things like NAMBLA and fecal matter doesn't make sense to me. She also states that she isn't being judgmental but she accuses Dan and I of having ulterior motives for throwing the party (I checked with her, that's what she meant). Also she stated to my father that I let it slip that Tom was coming and that Dan had to prove a point and that was why we had to go ahead with the party. I didn't realize I'd gotten to my feeble minded stage yet and was letting things just jump out of my mouth. In addition to that, I don't know what kind of point we would be proving - would someone please tell me? Along with being feeble minded, manipulative, plotting and a liar I must be stupid. It all makes me wonder what type of values beliefs and convictions she is demonstrating.
In 1990 the 'Uncles" passed down the responsibility for the next party to the "Uncles in Training'. It was at that time that Dan suggested the party be in five years instead of ten. Our generation agreed to that. I never heard of that responsibility being taken back. I did hear that the older generation decided to wait a year, but quite frankly it was not their decision to make. Because no one else in our generation was making plans Dan and I started to and looked very forward to it. We realized that we probably wouldn't have another chance to be so involved in the planning stages since we had decided we'd leave this coming fall and probably wouldn't ever be here again to help. It's a lot easier to do things when you are in the vicinity.
When Aunt Priscilla called and said that no one wanted Tom coming to the party, that he wasn't welcome there, and that Uncle Harry refused to have it at his place if Tom was there, we ceased planning. Then we found out that almost everyone wanted to come so we started to plan again. We didn't think there would be a problem since Aunt Priscilla had indicated that she just wouldn't come. Apparently we were wrong, there was still a problem. We were asked for it not to be the Uncles Party and we once again complied. However, that was not good enough because it was after that that the letter from Aunt Priscilla was sent out and offensive phone calls were made. Obviously, nothing less than total compliance to Aunt Priscilla's will, will suffice.
I don't believe that Aunt Priscilla would do what's best for the family, otherwise she would have stated her viewpoint and let everyone make their own decisions without exerting pressure on them. She also wouldn't be making unfounded accusations. The truth is that she wants others to do what SHE thinks is best and there is no definitive answer to that. So in the interest of peace in the family and no one feeling conflicting loyalties we are calling off the party. I am VERY sorry to those of you that were looking forward to it or have made special arrangements in order to attend. I just really don't know what else to do.
Instead of having the party, we will be going to Astoria August 9th and leaving the 12th (as long as hotels etc. work out). If anyone in the (unnamed small town) or Salem area want to see everybody please let me know so we can try to arrange it.
I love you all,
Susan
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