explicit, fundamental trust
agreement
Tom was at Pleasures & Treasures this afternoon. When he got home, he lay down for a bit. That's not unusual, as excursions tire him. When he got up, he asked if we could eat food from Panda as he didn't feel like cooking. AND, would I go get it. I said yes.
When I got home I set the food on the counter. He seemed to be on the phone in the bedroom; with dad? I went in and gave a quick wave. It obviously startled him. Something seemed off. He seemed to be rubbing his crotch, which seemed weird in the context of talking with dad. Was he just mumbling instead? It was just past 5:30, my usual supper time. I started to eat alone, then realized that Tom may not know I was beginning to eat. I went in to let him know I was eating. He was HIGH. I looked at him. With high eyes and a dismissive tone he said "Yes I DID!" I picked up a wet rag from his crotch, soaked from a fairly empty can of Maximum Impact ethyl chloride. AGAIN. I put them in a ZipLock to reduce the fumes.
My
stomach stops for nothing. I am always hungry like clockwork. I sat
down to eat supper. I was furious. Tom came by, tentatively.
I told him "I don't
want you anywhere near me." He gave me my space.
About an hour later, I lay down to cry, and started to get HIGH. He'd used inhalants IN THE FRIGGIN' BEDROOM! I had to leave the room. I couldn't even lay in my own bed to cry.
Tom
called his sponsor, a good first step. His sponsor said he'd meet him at
the next meeting, our usual Friday 8:00pm "Sober Minded Leatherfolk"
meeting where we normally arrive at 7:30 to get a parking space and to
visit. Tom asked if he could ride with me. I told him I'd rather he
get a ride from someone else if it were possible.
Tuesday, March 18th was the date I first caught him huffing. Tom had used a can of something labeled "Maximum Impact". I'd found him in the office with the can and a saturated rag. He'd gotten some of it on his chair pad, which had to be tossed, and the rug, which had to be cleaned. At the time I thought the can was poppers but I now know Maximum Impact is ethyl chloride. Tom threw out the can before I saw what the contents were. I told him in no uncertain terms that this was not okay with me. He promised me that day that he would stop huffing and never do it again. I went next door and slept in the slavequarters to get away from the fumes. Here's what happened in the following weeks:
1.
Thursday, March 27th
was the day we turned closed captioning on on the TV
because his hearing was deteriorating.
2.
Thursday, April 3, was when Tom went
to see ophthalmologist Dr. Warlen because of vision deterioration; and got
referred to neuroophthalmologist Dr. Edwards.
3.
Friday, April 4, was when we went to
the UCSD emergency room because not only were his hearing and vision
deteriorating (and the vision deterioration had now progressed from one eye to
both eyes), but now his arms were trembling as well and he was having
difficulty walking. When the drug and alcohol counselor came and spoke
with us and the huffing came up, Tom reiterated his promise that he had stopped
and would never do it again.
4.
Friday, May 16 was when Tom had his
health episode where our friend big Tim M. happened to call and discovered that
Tom had lost the ability to speak English. Tim and his partner Bill F.
called me. When Tim arrived where Tom was, Tim reports that Tom was
gripping a counter to remain standing, and appeared drunk though he knew that
wasn't the case. It was a warm day. Things subsided after Tim
cooled Tom down. Dr. Edwards noted that people with multiple sclerosis
also may lose the ability to verbalize if they overheat, and that subsides when
they cool down.
5.
Friday,
May 23 was when Tom had a car incident where he rammed our two motorcycles in
our tandem parking and he didn't even remember it:
The troubling development above led to us agreeing that Tom would not drive until we knew more about what was going on. Later, after three months with seeming neurological stability, Tom resumed driving.
6. Dr. Edwards noted a return of the nystagmus vision symptom on Wednesday, August 20, 2008, two days before I caught him huffing again with a fairly empty can. Had he been huffing again before the nystagmus returned? (Later, Tom stated that the answer was "no".)
Today Tom said "I made a mistake". I told him a mistake is unintentionally picking up a can of peas when you meant to get green beans. With forethought, he intentionally broke a promise to me. This is way beyond a mistake.
Later, I went in the bedroom to get dressed
for the meeting. A fume-related-headache started to begin. Once
again, because of Tom's inhalant abuse, I would not be able to spend the night
in my home.
Before we left for the meeting, I made it
crystal clear: "Your inhalant abuse impacts me, and I am no longer
going to remain silent about it."
At the meeting, Tom introduced himself as a
newcomer and an addict, both commendable steps. Later, when he shared, he
said that, as a fister, he's always viewed poppers and inhalants
differently. (This was news to me: Until tonight, when I looked at
the ingredients on the can and it said "ethyl chloride", he had only
ever mentioned inhaling poppers.) But that tonight he had used inhalants
totally outside of fisting. He'd make a bad decision, and for that he was
sorry.
This expanded knowledge that Tom had been using inhalants/ethyl all along was infuriating to me. Using ethyl chloride was never acceptable in our relationship framework:
1.
Huffing ethyl is using strong
drugs. [He snorted when he read this
line.]
2. Huffing
ethyl impacts his health.
3. Huffing
ethyl may impact our dog. Dogs have 100x the smelling acuity of humans
and she is also 1/25th our size.
Related, Tom had never told me he was using ethyl chloride. (Later Tom stated that he changed from poppers to ethyl about a year ago because poppers were giving him a headache. He stated he felt they were similar and did need to mention it. Overlooking that his ethyl use gives *me* a headache, I said they are absolutely not similar to me.)
When it came
time for a burning desire, I knew I had to get this off my chest:
"Tonight Tom admitted that he used inhalants today. But this is not
the first time. Back in March he spilled what I now know to be ethyl
chloride in the office. It required tossing something because it had
ethyl on it, and shampooing the rug. I made it crystal clear that this
was not okay with me and Tom promised me that he would stop and never do it
again. A week later, Tom was having severe neurological issues and we
were in the emergency room. A man there asked 'Have you used any drugs or
alcohol?' Tom said no. I said 'That's not correct. You were
huffing on something last week.' Tom minimized his usage in his
share. And because of his usage, I am once again being forced out of my
home to avoid the fumes. I'm pissed. He didn't just make a bad
decision. He sent me out of the house. With forethought, he broke a
promise to me."
Saturday was the monthly gathering with my sponsor and the other folks he sponsors. I shared what was going on. One of my sponsee brothers asked the gentle statement/question: "You're in recovery. You know that some people relapse. How is it any different in your relationship?" I explained "I'm not in an intimate relationship with those other people. And I'm very clear that I do not have the emotional masochism to be in relationship with an addict who deceives me." Tom was cleaning the entire house when I got home. He apologized. I told him an apology alone was not sufficient this time. He got defensive and pissy:
·
He
said I lied in my share on Friday.
When I asked him what he meant, he said "You said I'd used inhalants
outside of assplay before." Disregarding that he'd never said he was
using ethyl during assplay, and disregarding that using ethyl was not okay by
me at all ever, I clarified "You used back in March." He said
"I had a buttplug up my ass." I said "Oh. I didn't
know. Which would mean my share might be incorrect but it was definitely
not an intentional lie."
·
He said this was exactly the same as
me smoking pot years before.
I said it was nothing like it; that with foresight he had violated a
fundamental trust agreement in our relationship.
·
He claimed again that his apology was
sufficient.
I said no it was not. Striving to make amends for this would require
much, much more. "We need to start with couples'
counseling." He said "Not until I'm well established with my
therapist."
· Things got heated. Tom said "You never let anything go. There's no winning with you. You're always right. You and your Imperious Tone. WELL I'VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU WES ________!" he shouted, and continued. Somewhere in there he said "Your share [Friday] was full of venom and hate. That's why you have no friends. People see the anger just under the surface and they don't want to be around it." I replied "From one angry 'burning desire' share in five years? You are so wrong."
· When it came time for my evening call with Daddy Barry, Tom hollered into the phone "Tell him there will be no [birthday] party [Thursday]!"
I started to gather things for another night away from Tom. Tom said "You don't even have the courtesy to tell me you're spending the night out!" I said "I haven't left yet." Then Tom said "Do you want me to pack my bags?!" I told him that would depend on what he decides to do next. Then I told him I was leaving. Later I realized that *I* shouldn't be out of the house because *he* chose to use. I returned. I asked Tom to sleep in the other bedroom. He asked "Why do I have to go to the other room?" I said "Because you're the one who broke the trust." He set up the air mattress in the office. He largely stayed in there and I largely stayed in the living room. But I was horribly uncomfortable with even this proximity. It felt like our relationship rapist was just in the next room. I gathered my things and told him I was leaving.
Sunday I returned but he was not home. I gathered things for another evening away.
Monday when I returned I asked Tom "When are we going to talk?" He said we need to talk now about X Y & Z, such as when would I be there, walking our dog Opa, where the car will be, etc. I told him I was not going to discuss anything until we were inside couples' counseling, with the exception that I'd make sure he had the car for his doctor appointments. He said but we don't have a counselor. I suggested he find one within the week, and if he wants issues addressed then get an appointment sooner rather than later. Tom agreed. I gathered things for another evening away.
I had been writing for days. Tuesday I was crystal clear what needed to happen in the relationship next.
Is
Tom willing to do what it takes to continue our relationship?
Here
is the roadmap I laid out initially,
Saturday-Monday
I have a right to not trust Tom right now. I have a right to be angry for quite some time. Tom needs to acknowledge that this is not going to dispel quickly. These are emotional boundaries.
Is Tom willing to do what it takes to re-earn some of my trust?
This is also an emotional boundary. Tom may think these are unreasonable (or not) -- to him -- but I'm letting him know what it takes for me:
1. Begin
couple's counseling within 1 week.
2. I
feel violated. I want the option of healing without our relationship
rapist in the next room. I want the option of crying in
my own bed. I want to be able to immerse in the solace
of my music. Tom stays elsewhere for the next 30 days. He can of
course take his computer, have access to
mail, and we'll coordinate car usage. I want Tom to know how it feels to suddenly be
forced out of what has been our home.
3. For
now, do not touch me. By example, it would be inappropriate for someone
who just threw paint on you to give you a hug.
4. Tom tells Dad, in my presence, that Tom has broken an explicit trust agreement of our relationship.
1. Go
to 90 meetings in 90 days as suggested in the Narcotics Anonymous basic text
page 44.
2. Meet
with his sponsor weekly.
3. Work
all the steps, including inventory, amends, and meditation.
5. Stop
associating with people, places and things associated with his drug use;
including Pleasures and Treasures, where he bought the ethyl chloride.
(Alternatively, they can stop selling it.)
6. Come
clean on the other times he's used. That ethyl bottle was largely empty.
6. Acknowledge
in writing that
Tom's health is at risk, and that he has been doing something that endangers
it.
7. Acknowledge in writing that his breaking my trust & his inhalant abuse affects me, and
that he shall not expect me to be silent about it with anyone.
8. Acknowledge
in writing that there may come a point where I forgive him, but it is
unreasonable to expect that I will ever trust him the same again.
9. Acknowledge in writing that this inhalant abuse is fundamentally different than my 1997
marijuana use he says it's the same as.
1. Tom
sent me out to get dinner and then used. With foresight, he tried to covertly break
a fundamental trust agreement of our relationship.
(Later Tom clarified that he was high when he sent me out.)
2. I
told Tom when I was going to smoke pot. I was honest.
3. Tom
smoked pot with me on more than one occasion.
4. Ethyl
chloride is a quantum leap magnitude more intense than pot. As his friend
little Tim M. said, what he observes is
1. People
just about lose consciousness.
2. Their
heads drift to the bed.
3. He
can't tell if they're okay.
5. He
doesn't know if they're having a heart attack.
10.
Acknowledge in writing clear
boundaries around any future drug use.
1. If
he injures himself as the result of his drug use (stroke, accident, death,
etc.), I will not be responsible for taking care of him.
2. If
he uses again he is choosing to end the relationship and we shall get an
uncontested divorce with these terms:
1. Even
split of liquid assets, excluding the $1,000 or so remaining inheritance from
my mother. As of this writing, I think that's about $40,000 but I can't
access online banking or Quicken to verify.
2. Even
split of net equity in the condo, despite the fact that I put much of the money
down on our first house from retirement funds ($10,000?); a substantial portion of inherited funds for our second house
($35,000?), and another substantial portion of inherited funds for this condo
($35,000?). Net equity would be paid to Tom within 5 years, meaning that
there would be no fire sale, and Wes retains the option to remain in the condo
at the five year point if he can refinance and pay Tom cash based on appraisal
by Shane Stewart if alive.
3. The
car remains with me. From my cash I
shall pay Tom 1/2 the Kelley Blue Book "private party" value for a 2002 Volkswagen Passat GLX Sedan 4D, with CD option but not
cassette plus premium wheels, 33,000 miles, good condition (we're excluded from
"excellent" by "never had any paint or body work"), ZIP
code 92103 = $12,515 / 2 = $6,256.
4. Opa
remains with me as I would not trust that she would be safe with him around
inhalant fumes.
3. If
he uses again he will leave the premises immediately and move his belongings
out within 1 week. If anything remains after that I may donate them or
keep them as I wish but they are no longer his and he may not return for them.
11.
Give me his cash to manage and, when
he asks to use it for something, provide receipts for how it is spent.
12.
Because of defensiveness over his
using, he canceled a Thursday birthday party for Opa and Daddy Barry. I
want him to feel a similar consequence: Tom
may not go to Madonna with me in November. [His pissiness flared again while he was
reading my writings out loud to me Tuesday:
I didnt want to go to Madonna anyway.]
When did Tom begin using ethyl?
Is it possible Tom is acting out because we got married the previous week?
Why doesn't Tom want to tell Dad that we got married?
Feelings
1. Betrayed.
Tom really doesn't seem to grasp the magnitude of the betrayal. Following
are some examples of betrayals. They are not threats. They are
simply examples to try to give him a perspective of how this feels to me.
For example, it would be a betrayal if I were to:
1. tell
his parents he was gay before he came out to them [Side note: He came out to his parents back in 1993
upon advice from our attorney when our attorney was working on our wills,
powers of attorney, etc. The attorney said "You've got to come out
now. Things are unnecessarily difficult on the surviving partner if
parents are not only grieving a death but also just discovering their son was
gay."]
2. call
Dad Adkins and tell him we got married and his son is doing drugs
4. call
Tom's disability insurance company and say he's doing drugs
2. Irritated.
Not wanting to acknowledge the depth of the betrayal is itself drug addict behavior. This is
a higher level of betrayal than Tom is acknowledging. Tom doesn't
normally take his commitments lightly.
4. Insulted.
The marriage was a step in our relationship, one where I was taking care of
Tom. Specifically, he is undergoing an age-55 disability review and I was
protecting him from the possibility of me being deposed, making available
married partner's right
to privity of spousal communication.
5. Uncertain.
It feels like Tom is trying to trigger an exit of the relationship.
6. Deceived.
It appears the undisclosed ethyl use has been going on for some time.
7. Judgmental.
He's relying on drugs for sex.
We've supported each other through many life moments, including
1. family
deaths such as Wes' mom, then Tom's, and Tom's sister
2. the
deaths of around 200 of Wes' friends and acquaintances
4. major
medical times, including Wes' 5 sinus surgeries and Tom's gall bladder, hernia
repair, and implant surgeries; and Tom's broken leg and broken arm
5. other
medical and legal issues, such as Tom's age-55 disability medical review
6. arrival
and departure of additional major parties to the relationship, particularly my
leather slaves
8. family
drama, particularly The Letter Wars
Now, with foresight, Tom has broken an explicit trust agreement fundamental to our relationship. He has not copped to the magnitude of what he has done. He's been hostile. I am angry, do not trust him, and am resigned: I know that trust can mend, but it will never be the same. I was clear: I do not want to continue together given this personal truth. But with that clarity has come a great sense of peace.
Tom's actions have ended our
relationship: He broke
an explicit trust agreement fundamental to our relationship.
I met with Tom and shared my writings. They continued with the following, which I felt an exceedingly fair arrangement for the logistics that come next:
1. We
shall get an uncontested divorce with these terms:
1. Even
split of net liquid assets, excluding the $1,000 or so remaining inheritance
from my mother. As of this writing, I think that's about $40,000 but I
can't access online banking or Quicken to verify. To make the accounting easier, Wes
shall open a separate American Express card. Both Wes and Tom shall use
their respective Mastercards for any new charges while existing debits on the
joint American Express card that belong to Wes are shifted to his separate
account. Tom will open a new Bank of America account. (What this
will do is Tom retains excellent credit from the Amex, and Wes will have the
excellent credit from the bank account.) When the process is complete and
the joint American Express is paid off, the net liquid assets get
distributed. The "joint" American Express account returns to
Tom's sole ownership. Float loans may be made in the interim and their
balances will be deducted from the final distribution. I'll handle the
disentangling of the finances. Tom has seen me handle the distribution of
my mother's $240,000 estate and knows he can trust me to treat him equitably.
2. Even
split of net equity in the condo, despite the fact that I put all the money ($10,000?) down on our first house, from
retirement payout; most of the money ($25,000?) down
for our second house, from inherited funds; and about half the
money ($35,000?) for our present condo, again from inherited
funds. Net equity shall be paid to Tom within 5 years,
meaning that there will be no fire sale in this depressed market, and Wes
retains the option to remain in the condo at the five year point if he can
refinance or otherwise pay Tom cash based on appraisal by Shane Stewart, a
Realtor we mutually trust, if Shane is alive. Otherwise we each obtain an
appraisal and average the amounts unless the appraisals diverge by more than
$50,000. If that happens, and we cannot simply resolve the issue between
the two of us, we shall enter binding arbitration using a nationally accredited
mediation firm agreeable to both of us.
3. The car remains with me. From my cash I shall pay Tom 1/2 the Kelley Blue Book "private party" value for a 2002 Volkswagen Passat GLX Sedan 4D, with CD option but not cassette plus premium wheels, 33,000 miles, good condition (we're excluded from "excellent" by "never had any paint or body work"), ZIP code 92103 = $12,515 / 2 = $6,256. Title will be adjusted from joint to sole ownership accordingly.
4. Tom
keeps his motorcycle, purchased with funds from the sale of Mom's Sable.
I keep my motorcycle, purchased with inherited funds. Titles are adjusted
from joint to sole ownerships, accordingly.
5. westom.com
and officerwes.com and their content remain mine.
6. Opa
remains with me as I do not trust that she would be safe with him around
inhalant fumes if he used yet
again.
2. Tom
will leave the premises by 7pm tonight and shall move his belongings out
September 4th-7th while I am gone on a trip. If anything remains after
that I may donate them or keep them as I wish but they are no longer his and he
may not return for them. Tom may use the car September
4th-7th, but after that I shall pay him for it and he shall
relinquish any claim to title. Preceding and subsequent, he can ride his
motorcycle, buy a car, rent a car, use the
bus, bicycle, walk, or take a taxi, but he may no longer use
the Passat.
Tom was shaken when he realized it was over. He started gathering his things. But when he talked with his sponsor, his attitude changed: I don't have to leave. I told him we could do it the easy way, or the hard way. He asked what the hard way was. I told him the hard way was me calling Dad -- who has always let me know that if I ever need him to please call -- tell him I caught you using drugs a second time, have asked you to leave by 7pm, and you refuse to vacate. He said Fine. Call Dad. I asked Are you sure? He said yes. So I dialed Dad. The first number I had was his old one. I looked in the database for the updated number. Before I called, I asked Tom again: Are you sure you want to do it this way? He said Yes. I called Dad and told him what was going on. We talked for a bit, then he asked Why did Tom start doing drugs? I said I couldn't really speak to that; that my own experience has been I walked in on him March 18th, he promised me he would stop, and on Friday he sent me out of the house and used drugs again. Tom said I can call him. I told Dad Tom was interested in talking with him. We said our goodbyes for now. I followed Tom as he talked with Dad, as I was concerned he would continue minimizing what is going on. And indeed that happened. Overlooking that I'd been working with him since March, Tom said "Wes won't work with me." Similarly, he'd just read the list with 7 transportation options but Tom told Dad "I have no transportation." (The next day Tom said he'd correct that one.) And despite the fact that I'd been out of the house a second time because of his drug use, Tom played the victim and said I've been doing everything I can and it doesn't seem to be good enough. Dad asked if I'd give Tom a little time. I told him I would, but that I didn't want to be around him.
I gathered things for another evening away.
Tom was calmer this morning. But he said two strange things: The first was "I called the police." Why? "You made an implied threat to me." I did no such thing. "You wrote that you would call my insurance company and tell them I'm doing drugs." I reiterated what was clearly written: "Following are some examples of betrayals. They are not threats. They are simply examples to try to give him a perspective of how this feels to me." He let it go.
Tom said he'd rather sell the condo now and split the proceeds. I asked why? He said either of us might die, etc., and he'd just rather sell it now and move on. I pondered his request for a bit, then agreed.
The second strange thing occured later, when I was in the other room. I heard my full name being carefully stated, "Wes __________." I went into the office, where Tom was, and asked what was going on. He said he was consulting an attorney, and she needed to make sure I wasn't already a client so that there was no conflict of interest. Well this was irritating: He uses, I respond consistently fair, and now he wants to be a dick? I told him: I'm honoring the agreement we've always held, which is that things are evenly ours. I've provided a roadmap for splitting things 50/50. There is simply no need to consult an attorney. But if he does -- and this is not a threat -- it will feel to me like he's going to try and dishonor our longtime agreement and obtain some other split. I told him that if he tried to scrap our longtime agreement to litigate for more, I would feel attacked and would then also lobby for more. It's simply unnecessary.
The full magnitude of what he has done began hitting Tom. He asked me to drive him to a hospital so he could be put somewhere safe for a few days until the overwhelming period passed. I did.
Awareness of more frustrating minimizing by Tom: Yesterday he said he'd had a play date Friday night -- this was fine, we have an open relationship -- and he had the ethyl for the date. He was just lying on our bed before the date when he thought "Why not?" I realized this morning the impact of what he'd just said: He had ethyl for the date. Even without me catching him, he was planning on violating our explicit agreement.
Wes & Tom's Cool Site
The Letter Wars (aka The Homophobe Hellhole)
Things From Wes' Nose | Things
From Wes' Mind
Guestbook!